I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
