she woke up with a sticky ear
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
