i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Randomize
