i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
