I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
