this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
You smell like stripper and shame
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
soo... how was my night?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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