Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
