there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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