I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
