I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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