I can't watch pbs sober anymore
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
