Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
tonight lets celebrate not being married
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
