hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
