well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
