I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
