wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
My liver just had a heart attack.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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