I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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