You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
