based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Randomize
