I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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