I need help removing her.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
