watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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