She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
