theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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