Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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