his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
