he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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