That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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