Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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