I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
