I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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