Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
