there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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