so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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