a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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