Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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