Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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