Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I would ride that face into the sunset
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
