A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
