Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
