Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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