Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
