He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
