I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
