hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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