im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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