Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
