M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
