i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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