remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
