two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
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