the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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